Why It Doesn't Really Matter Any More
by AnotherJounin
Summary: Okita's upset, Saitou tries to find out why. Rated for attempted bodily harm of self and others. Please REVIEW!
1. Default Chapter

I don't own anything. If I did, I would be very rich and I'm a starving college student who's too poor to afford the subs so DON'T SUE! You might get a Spanish notebook(used)

Why It Doesn't Really Matter Any More

"The symptoms are quite mild now," the doctor said. I barely heard him. He sighed. "But it's inevitable that it will overtake you. I can't say how long, it seems to vary from case to case. But there are some very promising treatments and studies in Edo. My guess would be that your constant activity is contributing to this. You won't be able to keep it up for much longer."

I felt numb and cold at the same time. "Don't tell anyone," I said quietly at last. "Please, don't tell anyone."

The doctor nodded, stood and left. 

I made a fist with my swordhand. "Kuso…" I muttered. _Tuberculosis. Not much longer…_ I felt tears run down my cheeks but I made no attempt to hide them. After all, I was alone now and I could cry if I wished to. Frustration, anger, pain…_ Why? Why me?_ Then the answer came. Not to the question I'd asked, but to another one. "This isn't it," I said firmly. "I won't let it!"

"Okita-san?"

_Saitou-san!_ Quickly I pulled up the cover and lay on my side. I closed my eyes and concentrated on breathing evenly.

"Okita-san, may I come in?" I heard the door slide open. I could feel Saitou-san's eyes on me and I immediately tried to keep my thoughts as blank as though I were asleep. I didn't know if it worked or not, but he left.

I sat up and reached over into my chest. There in the corner was the unopened jar of sake that Sensei had given me before I left. I took it out and poured myself an obscenely large amount. Part of me knew what I was trying to do and protested, backing up its arguments with irrefutable logic, but the part that held my hand steady as I drank was in control. I drank and I drank- I passed out once or twice too and Saitou-san came back. Somehow, as drunk as I was, I remembered the conversation very clearly.

"I smell sake," Saitou-san said matter-of-factly, opening my door without my permission.

"Saitou-san!" I called cheerfully. "Lotsa sake! Plenty- want some?"

Saitou-san shook his head. "At this hour? " His eyes narrowed slightly. "And what are you doing, drinking sake? I thought you said it spoilt your practice?"

For whatever reason, while drunk I thought that was hilarious. "Practice?" I laughed. "Practice!" I coughed violently, almost losing my sake. Somehow the cough brought me from hilarity to the depths of misery. I groaned. "Practice…" I caught the briefest glimpse of a concerned look on Saitou-san's face. It took me a moment to place it, because it was so strange to see it. "Practice won't help…" I mumbled, slumping forward. "I hate life," I said, then laughed a little, because it seemed that it wouldn't be bothering me for very much longer.

"Okita-san, what's wrong?" Saitou-san asked.

I grinned like an idiot. "Fate," I said putting a lot of emphasis on the small word. "'sstupid…Stupid stupid…" Then an idea came to me. I giggled, feeling dizzy. "Justa minute!" I said cheerfully and rummaged through my chest. There it was, on the very bottom, a flat sword with an odd blade. I laughed. "Don't haveta worry annny more!" The sheath slipped off.

"Okita-san, what do you think you're doing?" Saitou-san asked, sounding angry.

I sighted down the blade unsteadily and giggled. "It's _sharp_!"

"Put that down, Okita-san," Saitou-san said firmly.

"Shan't!"

Review if you love it, Review if you hate it, Review if you think they were out of character, Review if it doesn't make sense, Review if you want more, Review if I've made a mistake- and if you can think of anything I've forgotten- REVIEW!


	2. Chapter Two

Kamorgana- glad you like it so far, I've gone back and amended the sake bit for any/all interested parties

Chibi Assassin- Yes, deciding to kill himself was a little abrupt and probably something that a sober, right-minded Okita would never consider, but people do odd things when they're drunk.

Devil- Of course I stop at the good part! Mwahahah…erg, sore throat!

Phoe-chan- As before, amended the sake bit. And as for Okita's attitude, I think it's the shock factor. It (as well as drinking) does funny things to people. I don't think I'll make this yaoi, I just don't see Okita and Saitou like that.

I would like to thank all my reviewers! *smiles*

The knife left my hand so quickly that for a moment I simply stared at my empty hand. Then the realization of what I had almost been stupid enough to do hit me. 

"The Okita Soushi I know wouldn't even think of doing something so hopeless," Saitou-san said in a perfectly even voice. For whatever reason I would have preferred it if he yelled. It wouldn't have been as frightening.

I tried to look him in the eyes, but I couldn't. I hadn't started drinking with this sort of end in mind, but the thought that had started far in the back of my mind had come forward when I was not thinking clearly. I felt my face burning from shame as he continued speaking.

"What kind of example is that? You're the leader of the first squad of the Shinsengumi. You're no longer your own man, Okita-san. You gave that up the day you put on your uniform. You can't take your life, it would be irresponsible and disgraceful to do so now," he continued, voice still even. "And it would be despairing. I thought you never despaired."

I couldn't answer. My superior swordsmanship had made me confident that I could live and die if necessary, by the sword. If an opponent more skilled then I were to kill me, I would understand. Obviously then I had made some mistake in my technique, or misjudged my opponent, something I had not done in a very long time. But now I was faced with an enemy I could not defeat. What was the option then? "Saitou-san?"

"Hai?"

"What do I do when I face an enemy I cannot defeat?"

I saw the concern in his eyes for a brief moment. It was odd, the things I noticed when I was drunk, things that the next day I wasn't certain I saw. "Leaving the field is not an option," he said firmly. "If there is one thing our enemies might rightly fault us for, it would be that we do not know the meaning of 'quit'. We do not retreat and we do not surrender, not in our open battles and not in our personal ones."

For a second I wondered if he'd guessed and when I saw he had not, I wished I could tell him, but I wasn't ready yet. I wasn't so far gone that I couldn't lift my sword- when that day came, I would tell him. The thought brought a tiny smile to my lips. _Everyone_ would know by then. I saw he was waiting for me to confirm I had heard him. "Hai, Saitou-san," I said at last and managed a smile "Arigato."

"Is there any sake left?" Saitou-san asked looking at the jug.

I frowned. "I thought you said it was too late?"

"If it's good, it won't be."

"It was a going-away present. I think it's fine," I said, indicating that he could help himself. We drank in silence- except for another fit of coughing. I cleared my sore throat painfully. I needed to get some more of the herbal tea I had been taking. It took off the worst of the cough and seemed to help me stay on my feet. The doctor had approved it and recommended a stronger blend. He had also told me to cut back on the sake. "You can have the rest," I said. "I think I need to sleep now."

Saitou-san nodded. "Do you think you'll be ready for tomorrow night?"

"Tomorrow night?"

"If you hadn't been trying to drink yourself into unconsciousness, you would have remembered I told you that Captain Kondou and Vice Captain Hijikata wanted to see all the squad leaders about an attack on a suspected nest of Ishin Shishi."

My eyes widened in dismay. "I forgot!"

"I came in to remind you but you appeared to be asleep."

My ears burned slightly. "Sumanai."

"I thought I should let you sleep," Saitou-san continued. "Then I came back again to tell you and I found you drunk. You haven't been having a very good day, have you, Okita-san?"

"No," I said quietly. "Will you tell me what the plan is?"

"When you've slept," he said and left with my half-empty sake jug.

I lay back on my futon and soon I was sleep.

Review if you love it, Review if you hate it, Review if you think they were out of character, Review if it doesn't make sense, Review if you want more, Review if I've made a mistake- and if you can think of anything I've forgotten- REVIEW!

Quick Glossary (probably not needed and I hope it's accurate)

Hai-yes

Sumanai-sorry

A/N: Any ideas for a better title?


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